Addicted. That is how you make me feel. Without you, I feel ill, I want to throw up and hurt myself severely. I need you close to me to know I am real. I need to feel you inside me to know that you care. Because you must care if you would take me that way.

I remember the first time I realised I was hooked on you. You were leaving my house after another night of ‘fun’. I watched as you walked down my garden path as I leant on the doorframe, grinning as I stared. When you reached the gate, you turned around and waved. I waved back then shut the door. As I leant against the door my heart started thumping, so hard I actually thought it would jump out. Then my throat closed up and my breathing stopped. I clutched at my throat as my vision blurred and a strong image of you appeared. Those types of attacks always scared me. There was only one way to get rid of them. I would have to clutch my throbbing hard on and pull until my pud was done.

Now as I sit here staring at pictures o us I start to feel shaky. If only you fucking knew what you did to me! However, I cannot tell you, not yet. You already have too much power over me. That was the only bad thing in our relationship. The way you handled me as if I was your fucking gimp! But maybe I was… I would do anything to kiss you again.

Another memory… our first kiss. It was just after Charlie had betrayed us and Busted was declared dead and buried. We were walking home after spending the night drowning our sorrows in Jack Daniels. We were walking at a fast pace as the chill enveloped our bodies. My left foot stumbled over a raised part of the pavement and you grabbed my arm to stop me from falling. I turned to look at you and froze as I felt your warm breath upon my lips. Almost immediately, our lips crashed together as our arms wrapped around each other and you massaged my tongue with you own. We broke apart as some young chav rode past on his bike shouting ‘fags’ at us. It was the first time I had felt anything for you. Sometimes I wish I could go back and erase that day. Maybe then, I would not feel so fucked up.

There were times after you left me that I was sure I would not pull through. I would stare in the mirror and hate what I would see in front of me. A pathetic excuse for a man. But now everything is so clear. My fault I lost you, but there is nothing I can do. When you asked me to join your new band, I laughed in your face and flatly refused. I was a dick to think you would amount to nothing, but who could blame me? I mean look at Fightstar, they were the biggest pile of wank going. But I was wrong. Your band is doing so well; you are doing so fucking well! Without me. You do not know how much it hurts to turn on the radio and hear you singing… with another guy. I know that is all you and him do. You practically told me after the last time we fucked.

I had actually put an aftershave on knowing you were coming round. I was so excited about what we would do I could feel myself getting hard as I thought about it. Then I heard your gentle knocking on the door. I pulled it open to reveal me and my tent bulging towards you. Your eyes drank it in as you smirked. I blushed deeply and moved aside to let you in. You walked past me and waited patiently as I shut the door. The minute it was shut you were slamming me against the wall and rubbing my hard cock inside my jeans. I started panting straight away a clenched my fists to stop me grabbing you roughly. Your lips were caressing my neck until you decided I tasted of too much ‘perfume’. You grinned at me as you slowly unzipped my jeans. You unhooked the button and let me pants drop. I knew you were going to tease me straight away so I shut my eyes and smacked my head against the wall. Soon I felt you wet lips taking my length into your mouth and sucking on me. Your tongue encircled my shaft sending shivers up and down my spine. I swore aloud and grabbed your hair. It felt silky and smooth as I ran my fingers through it. As you started moving in a steady rhythm, I grabbed a tuft of it as the feelings overcame me and moaned your name. You liked me moaning your name. I soon came into your mouth and my eyes snapped back open. You purposely gulped it down, making sure I was listening. After that, we stumbled up the stairs and exploded into my room where we made for the bed. Now it was my turn to pleasure you. When I had finished and we were left lying next to each other, breathing heavily, you broke it to me.

“Matt, it’s over now.” I felt my lips form a smile as I turned to look at you. You smiled back at me as if confirming it was just a joke… but it was not.

“Who’s the lucky guy?” I asked still smirking.

“No one… I’m not gay.” You replied. My smile evaporated as I continued to stare at you.

It was one of those moments in my life where something big was happening and I could not see it. I felt like such a tool when I tried ringing you afterwards. You ignored all my calls, never replied to any of my texts; shut me out of your life. You made me feel so pathetic. It made me drink more, made me hurt more, made me want you more. I do not think I will ever get over you Jay… you are too much of an addiction. I am stuck in a world of hoping for another hit, while you are off making your life so much better than mine.

The end.